I’ve been hiding out this week. It’s not that I feel left out of the preparations for Bouchercon…sigh. Not that at all. Because I’ve been making my own preparations for Bouchercon. I’ve been creating the Ultimate Two-Dimensional Woman - a cardboard cut-out of moi, complete with talking sound buttons that say…well, you’ll have to come to the Writers Unwrapped panel to find out what they say. Rest assured that it’s more interesting than “Math is hard.”

I’m a crafty gal. I have an “art room” in my basement that, whether or not it looks like a Michaels store after Katrina, has been home to many a creative project. So, you would think that I know what I’m doing when I plan on making the Ultimate Two-Dimensional Woman. Little did I know that, at the end of this project, I would end up with the Ultimate Amazon Two-Dimensional Woman before I got it right.

Because in my art room, next to the lovely Ultimate Two-Dimensional Woman that will be attending Bouchercon, taking up way too much room on my ancient swivel chair, sits a “Heidi” way, way larger than life-size.

How did this happen? What could have gone wrong to cause this disaster in Marketing Eugenics 101? What to do with the way, way larger-than-life “Author in the Act of Shushing Like a Rather Sexy Librarian?” that now faces euthanasia since she is…uh…way, way larger than life and kind of scaring the children?

First things first. How did this happen? What went wrong? Ah, yet another thing I can blame on my husband. I sent him out to get a poster-sized version of moi for the aforementioned project. “About life-size,” I instructed. Apparently, I loom larger in his mind than I knew. He returned with a 3 foot by 4 foot poster of my Good Girls photo. 3 foot by 4 foot. Needless to say, I sent him out again.

So, what to do with this 3 foot by 4 foot Amazon woman? I’m a kindly person, so I decided, rather than face The Recycler, she should be given a new home.

Here’s the deal. Answer the following “Care and Feeding of the Ultimate Amazon Two-Dimensional Heidi” quiz and, from those who email me ( at ) with the correct answers, I will choose a winner, who will receive (rolled up in a packing tube for the journey) said Ultimate Amazon Two-Dimensional Heidi to…uh…do with what they wish. (Answers can be scavenged by visiting my website).

Official Care and Feeding of the Ultimate Amazon Two-Dimensional Heidi Quiz

1. On what greatest of UK crime writing websites can one find Heidi’s Regina Harvey short story, “Catch Me Waiting?”
2. Where was Heidi married?
3. Name of the McLean Jacobson protagonist who swears in Russian?

And just to keep things interesting in the comments section - What posters did you have on your bedroom wall? As a pre-teen? As a teen? In College? And/or in your First-Horrible-Apartment-With-Inconsiderate-Roommate? How about now?

For me, the answers are:
Pre-teen - Tear-outs from Tiger Beat of Shaun Cassidy (my older sister was into David - blech!)
Teen - some air-brushed vamp with half her face missing.
College - Elvis Costello screaming.
First-Horrible-Apartment-With-Inconsiderate-Roommate - The awesome Maxell Tape guy sitting in the post-modern black leather and chrome chair, in front of his speakers, with his hair blowing back. Remember him?
Now - we haven’t gotten around to decorating the bedroom yet. Propped on my bedside table is a Felicia Belair Rigdon mixed-media collage of a headless doll and tree branches.

So, have at it. Ultimate Amazon Two-Dimensional Heidi needs a good home.